Just a quick update

[carmenbeaudry]

My father died Jan. 12, 2018, after an 18 month battle with lung cancer. He was ready to go, had told me that he had accomplished everything that he wanted to in life, and thanks to an experimental treatment, we had the summer and early fall before he was too weak to do much, and I spent a lot of time with him and got to say everything that I wanted before he died. I'm still horribly sad, but there are no regrets.

However, my stepmother has been showing signs of dementia since late summer, and it's getting worse. Yesterday was a bad day for me anyway, but receiving an email from her accusing me and my sister of somehow hogging all the grief because of our FB posts really sent me over the edge. I know that this is the dementia and her own grief talking, but I am really having trouble dealing with her right now. It doesn't help that I've been sick, so don't have any business going to a care home, and I don't have any way of getting out there (4 hour bus ride one way, and I'm not driving currently). Where as I don't have any regrets about my father, I have a lot of guilt because I can't get out there to help Devonne, but realistically, she wasn't letting me help when I could get to their condo before the went into the care home.

I know this is all hogwash, and I shouldn't let it affect me, but it does. Oh, well, today's a new day. And you know, realistically, if I spend the whole day crying, I've got every reason in the world to do so.

Comments

[starlightmasque]

I am so sorry, Carmen. *hugs*

[carmenbeaudry]

Thank you. I'm hoping the month of Jan. doesn't carry over into the rest of the year. I'm treating it as the end of 2017.

[morgaina]

It's reasonable to be quite depressed in your situation. I think most of us would be.

[carmenbeaudry]

Yeah. I'm always harder on myself than anyone else. A couple of days thinking about the situation have helped.

[cupcake_goth]

Don't tell yourself you shouldn't let it affect you. You have been under so much stress.

[carmenbeaudry]

I figured out what was bothering me the most. For most of the last year, I was going to visit Dad and Devonne at least once every 2 weeks, and most times staying overnight when I did. I was pretty much involved in everything they were doing. When they moved to the current care home, that all stopped. Now, it's better for Devonne that I'm not as involved, and it's definitely better for me, but it's still a rather abrupt change. Now that I've realized that, I can deal with it much better, and appreciate that I really don't want to be that involved again. Also, she really is not in her right mind, and she knows it. Got an email apologizing for sending the email yesterday and she doesn't even remember writing it.

[katanubis]

Many, many hugs for you! What a tough situation to be in. Dementia is a horrible thing to have to deal with (on both sides of it.) My heart goes out to you.

[carmenbeaudry]

I feel so sorry for her, she's really a very sweet lady. Dementia sucks.